For all my women friends on this Mother's Day

I don't know about any of you, but Mother's Day has always been difficult for me because I have been each of you. I have been single and childless, longing for a child. I have lost a child. I have children now. I want more children but have been denied that opportunity by life. Needless to say, Mother's Day is always a mixed bag of emotions for me.

As I thought of each of you this morning, I was gently reminded of sacred truths regarding Eve's rightful role in the eternities, primarily that Eve was called "the mother of all living" before she had any children. When Adam declared her name before God, he was not only foretelling future events in her life, but was also stating fact, summing up reality. Eve was a mother because of who she was, not what she had done.

As daughters of Eve, we are the rightful heirs to all of the blessings promised our first mother. By the very fact that you are a woman, you are entitled to be called Mother, just as she was. The mitochondrial DNA you inherited from our first mother which is embedded deep within your cells declares it so and your faith ensures this promise will be fulfilled.

This unique role of mothering is one that only you can fill. It is a sacred kinship that we share with each of our sisters on this earth. When we begin to understand and honor the inherited title Mother in each of us regardless of our child-bearing status, we will become an unstoppable force as we range about our world doing good – nurturing, uplifting, healing, loving – mothering.

So with that, I declare a Happy Mother’s Day to all of us.

Much love and many hugs –

M.

"My mom would never do that."

It turns out The Good Professor is more like you than I ever imagined. I have the feeling that when he gets older, he is going to be the type to stack his pocket change up on his dresser. By denomination. And all facing up. Just like you. The Professor is already showing signs of this with his cars, his crayons, his socks, his stuffed animals, his books --any thing that can be lined up, straightened, or systematically sorted. If there is one thing this child loves in life, it is order, regimentation, rules.

And he is only four.

He came this way, folks. Seriously, he did.

The other day, a friend was taking him to preschool for me & they came to a corner where she made a right turn. The light was red so she stopped & then made the right turn. At that point, he muttered under his breath (but loud enough for her to hear), "That light was red. My mom would never do that. She always stops when it is red." That reminds me when the prayers are going too long for his taste at church and he starts muttering under his breath, just loud enough for us to hear, "Say amen. Say amen NOW!"

He just makes me giggle with his antics because I can just imagine you being the exact same way as a child. He even looks like a little carbon copy of you, except for the eyes. Those he got from me. Now I understand why I can get you to do just about anything. All The Good Professor has to do is look up at me with his huge brown eyes, with their long, lovely lashes and I am a goner. Every time.

A new member in the family

My iMac arrived today, all 24" and 1 terabytes worth of her. She is a beauty and wonder to behold. I can actually see what I am typing on the screen - I don't have to hunch over and scrunch my eyes up and lean in real close.

All I can say is nice, very nice. I have a feeling I will be spending more time posting here since she makes this so enjoyable.

Hopefully Slim, my well-used MacBook won't be too jealous. I will still use and abuse him as I have for the past 2 1/2 years of graduate school, just not as often.

Must Watch YouTube

He passed away today, a great loss to the field and to humanity at large.

Mommy's Little Helper

In between stressing about school, moving, Captain Knuckle, Mr. Amazing Man and all the other things that I typically stress about, the Professor and I made a cake for daddy's birthday. Here is he is "helping" me make frosting. I absolutely love the look on his face!

Mr. Amazing Man's Birthday

Happy Birthday, Dad!!! Can you guess who picked out your cake?

What fun we had decorating your cake! Just wish you were around to enjoy it - how about next year you hit all the major holidays and birthdays? What do you say? Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, Memorial Day, 4th of July, Pioneer Day, Founder's Day, Presidents Day, Labor Day, Halloween, Columbus Day, our anniversaries, the boys' birthday, your birthday, Ash Wednesday, Fat Tuesday, Skinny Friday and any other holiday people can think up.

Then let's do that for like...gasp, two years in a row! It will be our own little Utopia.

I am sitting here, emotionally bruised, not feeling like I can take one more punch. Wasted, worn out, wrecked. And just to make sure I get the point, as I type this the sun goes dark, covered by the looming thunderstorms.

When will I ever get over her? Why can't I just quit her?

Welcome, Hobbes!

Sitting on my shoulder right now & partially snuggled up under my chin sits the most adorable marmalade orange tabby cat that I have every encountered. He is the last remaining kitten from a litter of five that was born on my back porch exactly two months ago. His mama abandoned him when he was only 9 days old, not that I blame her considering how the neighbors insisted on harassing them at every turn.

At any rate, we brought them in and bottle fed them all. My neighbor took two of them and I raised the other three. Jack now lives with another neighbor, William is with Mr. Amazing Man's mom, and we decided to keep Hobbes.


And I am so glad we did. (Pictures full of adorable kitten cuteness to follow).

Look who's on my back porch!

A feral cat gave birth on my porch a few days ago in a basket right next to the sliding glass door. We have a bird's eye view of all her activity and it is so amazing to watch her with those little guys. There are five of them total. I am worried about them because it is so cold out there, lots of rain, snow, wind, and just plain nastiness. I guess mama cat knows what she is doing though.

I tried to make the basket a bit more sheltered by hang up some cardboard along one side. It blocks the wind a bit and keeps the snow from swirling around into the basket. I waited until mama wandered away for a bit and then tried to do it as quickly as possible.

Now if we could just convince our neighbors to leave the kittens alone. They are the ones who pulled them out and took these pictures of them - I am afraid mama cat will move them or leave them if they don't back off!!!

Lookie at what I made!

Little K. had so much fun digging into the giant cupcake. Thanks again Jodi at pinchingyourpennies.com for such an amazing find!

Remembering Why

I am lucky enough to walk through the most lovely of cemeteries to school each day. Tree-lined, meticulously maintained, and full of headstones and grave markers both new and old, the daily walk to and from school has become a ritual of sorts for me. I know the names of those who rest there near the shaded lanes almost as well as my old friends. Perhaps in a way, they have become my friends. Each day as I pass them by, I am reminded of how short life is and how fortunate I am to still be alive, breathing, living, and learning. On my walk to school, my mind is cleared of all the troubles at home and the presence of their headstones unburdens me in some way, cleanses me. On my walk back home, I am once again met by my familiar friends who remind me that at home, I have two warm, wonderful boys who are waiting for me to be their mother and a husband who loves me beyond reason.

When I go to the camups another way, it never feels as if I have "arrived." When I go home, it is a similar experience. It is almost as if the cemetery is a portal of some kind for me, a place for me to let go of one the scholar role and put on the mantle of Mother.

As I walked to campus today, I was stopped in my tracks by the beauty of the cemetery. It was around 10:30 a.m. and the sky was that unspeakable, startling shade of sapphire blue that it gets each fall here in the valley. The sycamores leaves were starting to cascade into deep piles. There was new snow on Mt. Naomi. At the end of the lane I was walking down, the ground gently falls away into a panoramic view of my little corner of paradise. There are many stone benches that families have placed here instead of headstones and there is one in particular under a towering pine tree that is well-placed for maximum viewing of the valley. I had to sit there and watch the clouds rolling in from the north. The whole scene was nothing short of...breathtaking.

As I inhaled the sharp scents of fall--woodsmoke and pine on chilled norther air and exhaled the worries of my world, I remembered. Sometimes I get so caught up in the busy-ness of earning a Ph.D. and essentially being a single mom I forget. Today, today I remembered and remembering was good.

By Small & Simple Things

Alma 37:6-7

" Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold, I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise. And the Lord God doth work by means to bring about his great and eternal purposes; and by very small means the Lord doth confound the wise and bringeth about the salvation of many souls."

Once again, the Lord delivers an answer to my question. I read this scripture this morning ~ last night I went to bed pondering how and why stopping payments into a 401K while getting "gazelle intense" to pay off debt causes a person to succeed in the long term. When a person pulls out the calculator and does the math, it doesn't make sense. The "wise" person with the calculator kicks and screams and says, "No! It can't be possible to get ahead if you don't contribute to the 401K!!! No, no, no!"

However, the Lord has directed his people to get out of debt as quickly as they can and stay out of debt. To me, getting out of debt as quickly as possible means scraping together as much money each month as possible, including stopping the payments to the 401K. For us, this would be such a small amount each month in comparison to all the rest of the $$ we toss at debt. Will that hundred dollars or so really make a difference in the overall debt picture?

Is this one of those instances that a small and simple thing like stopping 401K payments until we are out of debt really will bring great things to pass, even though others might consider it foolish? I know that the Lord is the same yesterday, today, and forever and that the Lord "doth counsel in wisdom over all his works, and his paths are straight, and his course is one eternal round." (Alma 37:12) I must remember that if I keep his commandments, one of which is to get out of debt as quickly as possible, that "ye shall prosper in the land." (Alma 37:13).

I guess that when Mr. Amazing Man gets home, we have a few things to tackle, one of which is temporarily stopping payments to his employer retirement until we are debt free, student loans and all.

I stand corrected.

Mr. Amazing Man wrote me this, after a brief conversation on the phone shortly after my pity-party session:

First of all, sometimes the dumbest things come out of your mouth. What makes you think that you are remotely in competition with my job, past or present? It absolutely flabbergasts me that you could think something like that. (You should have seen the look on my face.) Now, I'm not disputing that you think that. I know you do because you told me. It's just that it is NOT TRUE, so don't waste your time imagining or thinking that it is true. Perhaps I'm horrible about telling you and Matthew and Luke how much I love and miss you guys. I'm sure I am. Truth is, you three (and you're at the top of the list, cute and wonderful as Matthew and Luke are), are the most important things in my life. I simply do not have the either the words or the ability to tell you three how much I love and miss and cherish you. It is the most wonderful thing in the world just to BE WITH YOU. And thinking of you, when I'm away is almost as good. It is such an absolute warm fuzzy to think of you three and what you're doing and what we'll do when were next together.

So I guess I can compete. And I do say the stupidest things sometimes.

Simply Put, I Can't Compete

So I was looking at some pictures of Mr. Amazing back before he married me, back when he was an action guy. He still is an action guy, I just don't get to see pictures now because...well, I don't know why actually.

At any rate, I was going through an album of his with Professor Poopy Pants, looking for pictures to put in a little photo book for him so that he can remember what his dad looks like and I was left with a very disheartened feeling. The pictures were amazing ~ they were from all kinds of exotic locales of him doing all kinds of things: scuba diving, HALO jumping with oxygen masks into the ocean, shooting guns of all kinds, skin diving, lounging on beaches, blowing things up, fast roping out of helicopters.

First, I miss him. Terribly. Second, now I see why he doesn't want to find a different job. Third, how can I compete with a job like that? Fourth, I really am always going to be sloppy seconds to that, aren't I? Doesn't matter how thin I am, how accomplished I become, how competent I am ~ I can't compare to a life like that.

Being married to an international man of mystery sucks. Bottom line.

Ye Shall Hold Your Peace

“And Moses said unto the people, Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will shew to you to day...

“The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.

“And the Lord said unto Moses, … speak unto the children of Israel, that they go forward” (Exodus 14:13–15; emphasis added).

So how is it that I can "stand still" in my life? How paradoxical that in one breath the Lord commands me to stand still and then in the next tells me to go forward. What application does this have in my life? It never ceases to amaze me how I always find scriptures that admonish me to "fear ye not" when I am seeking for further light and knowledge. I am still left wondering how I can stand still and move forward at the same time though. Guess that leaves me with things to ponder about today while I go about my daily work.

Some advice

1. Don't have your major professor's nanny watch your child as well.
   
2. Don't loan your extra car to your major professor for 6 months just after you get it registered and insured.
   
3. Don't trade your extra car to your major professor's nanny for child care.

The nanny is now telling me that the car won't pass inspection for her to register it in her name and needs about $700 worth of work done on it. Uh...it passed inspection less than 6 months ago and I have driven it a grand total of 3 times during those months.

I am a little steamed to say the least that she would expect me to shell out the money to fix it, especially when I traded it to her for below fair market value AND I haven't been driving it for the past 6 months--she and my graduate adviser have been driving it. It passed inspection just fine in January. Is it unreasonable of me to feel this way?

Sitting Shiva for Boo Bear

Today Boo Bear turns 15. I did nothing to mark her birth except privately mourn my loss throughout the day. I told no one. I did not even mention it to you. How could I? What would you have said that you have not already said? What more could you have done to ease my pain than you have already done?

Each year I take inventory of what I have accomplished since she was born--I always ask my self, "Was the sacrifice worth the returns?" Most of the time, especially when I see my boys playing together, I have to answer NO. It was not worth it and I made the wrong decision. I guess this is a question that can only be answered completely by both myself and Boo Bear in the future, if the time ever comes. Maybe she thinks the sacrifice was worth it--if she does, then maybe I can forgive myself.

Until then, I will continue to sit my private shiva.

"Instrumentalities of a Higher Law"

"After we have done all we could do for the cause of truth, and withstood the evil that men have brought upon us,...it is still our duty to stand. We cannot give up; we must not lie down...To stand firm in the face of overwhelming opposition when you have done all you can, is the courage of faith. The courage of faith is the courage of progress. [Those] who possess that divine quality go on; they are not permitted to stand still if they would. They are not simply the creatures of their own power and wisdom; they are instrumentalities of a higher law and divine purpose."

(Teachings of the Presidents of the Church--Joseph F. Smith [1998], 107-8).

This is why I have persisted in school, even when the weight of it felt as if it was crushing me. I can't give up--I can't quit, because I know the Lord called me here for a specific purpose--one that I don't understand or know at this point. All I know is that earning a Ph.D. in this field at this time is fulfilling a higher law and a divine purpose. I am not simply a creature of my "own power and wisdom." Trust me-- I am way to0 lazy and like being a stay-at-home mom too much to be motivated enough to get a Ph.D. without some fairly specific and direct input from the Lord.

The sure provisions of my God

I just watched a video on youtube that has left me crying--it was a mashup of pictures, videos and music about the war in Iraq. I can hardly see through my tears...I don't know what to say except please don't come home to me in a casket. Please. There are many burdens I have endured and many that I know I must, but I don't know that I could survive that. And regardless of what you or I like to believe, it is a possibility.

Having said that, the only thing that gets me through these difficult days of having you gone is the sure knowledge of that your work is a call from the Lord. There is an extra measure of comfort provided because of this and I cling fast to it, like a life jacket it ever raging waters.

Trying to get motivated

Which is really ironic considering the fact that I have to grade 30+ papers about motivation. Simply put, I am tired of reading about motivation and think I need to go take a nap. Or at least fold the laundry and get Luke out of bed for the morning.