Today Boo Bear turns 15. I did nothing to mark her birth except privately mourn my loss throughout the day. I told no one. I did not even mention it to you. How could I? What would you have said that you have not already said? What more could you have done to ease my pain than you have already done?
Each year I take inventory of what I have accomplished since she was born--I always ask my self, "Was the sacrifice worth the returns?" Most of the time, especially when I see my boys playing together, I have to answer NO. It was not worth it and I made the wrong decision. I guess this is a question that can only be answered completely by both myself and Boo Bear in the future, if the time ever comes. Maybe she thinks the sacrifice was worth it--if she does, then maybe I can forgive myself.
Until then, I will continue to sit my private shiva.