Saturday, January 15, 2011

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 3

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Man...only one thing? I have a laundry list about a mile long and we could be here a long, long, long time. This could easily turn into a Step 8 confessional and good golly, I will spare you the gory details and try to keep it short. Well, as short as a verbose SAHM/pointy headed academic longing for adult conversation can keep things.

The main thing I have to forgive myself for?

Not trusting my mothering instinct all those years ago. For believing the words and advice of a man that while well meaning, was misguided and driven by motives that I do not even want to comprehend. It was the worst advice I have ever been given. PERIOD.

On two separate occasions about two separate things, he gave me The World's Crappiest Advice that will continue to to impact my life and the lives of all my children into the eternities. Instead of trusting my newly forged mother's heart that was screaming, "No, no, no, no, NO, NO!!!", I believed a man when he told me he knew better than i did. That she would be better off, that I would be better off. Turns out he was dead wrong. All things considered, I do not think either of us is "better off" (whatever that means)...we are just different and lead different lives. Not better off just different.

The other thing he gave me bad advice about was that Mr. Amazing Man was "too old" for me. I totally dumped the most incredible man I had ever known - the man who when the very first time I laid eyes on him, I knew I would someday marry and have his green-eyed baby girl - I totally dumped this beautiful man who made my heart sing because this other person "knew better." It broke my heart to break up with Mr. Amazing Man all those years ago but I was trying desperately to do the right thing and follow the advice of my Bishop.

Turns out he was wrong about that as well. Not only is Mr. Amazing Man not "too old" for me, he is my ideal companion, perfectly suited to deal with this slightly crazy, high-spirited, opinionated, independent, intelligent woman who cries far too easily, and trusts far too readily.

But back to the matter at hand.

I have not yet found that elusive grace to completely forgive myself for trusting in the "arm of the flesh" instead of trusting the word of God in my heart. While I am able to maintain some sort of acceptance & peaceful rest from this burden, the lightness of the soul that comes from true forgiveness of one's mistakes...I do not know if it is possible in this lifetime. I am trying though. I really am.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 2

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

Oh man, really

Didn't you read that last post? Can't we talk more about that again?

Hmmmm....does it have to be something I love love about myself or just something I am kind of happy with?

Love love you say? We might be here a while....




Well, I have always loved my hair. I love its unapologetic brunette color. Sure, I can try to make it other colors (and while going to beauty school at Bon Losee back in the day, I tried just about every color out there!) but it always returns to its roots, not pun intended. My hair is happiest a deep dark chocolate brown color (Redken Shades EQ 3N if you must know).  As much as I love my sister's blond locks, I feel like I won the hair lottery.

Pretty vain, eh?

I also love that I read so broadly and so much. It can be said that I collect books like some women collect shoes. The reason I love this is because reading has opened up an entirely new world to me and satisfies the insatiable curiosity in me to always want to know more, to want to know why, and to understand how.  I don't even want to think about the kind of small, narrow woman I would be without my love of reading. I love what it has done to me.

Saturday, January 08, 2011

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 1

So, in response to my new friend's challenge (read more here: ), I am going all in on this one.

It is not going to be easy, it certainly will not be pretty, but it should be interesting.  And interesting is what it is all about, right?

So to kick it off, here is my first response.

Day 1: Something you dislike about yourself.

Me, not like something about myself? Hahahahahahaha! What is there not to like? 
OK. Done joking around.  In actuality, I am very hard on myself and find a myriad of things that I do not like. I have a deeply ingrained feeling that I am never enough, will never be enough, will never qualify or measure up, will never "arrive." Even if I can look around me and actually see with my own eyes evidence that indicates otherwise, I still feel this way. For some reason, I lack the ability to see myself as others see me and even when they tell me (over and over and over and over again) that I am inherently lovable, capable, competent, talented, etc., I don't see it. In fact, I think they all have rocks in their heads.

Perhaps this is the thing I dislike about myself the most. I wish for one moment I could feel like I was enough instead of like I never measure up. 

That and I don't like the fact I am a lousy at sports in general. Some people got it, some people don't.  I definitely fall into the "don't" category.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Evolution of Smile

Man, how I love this little creature that has graced our home.  She's nothing short of amazing. And her sends me over the edge every time.

Even sloppy carrot smiles are da bomb, I am telling you. 

And when she gets those pudgy fingers involved in the action, it doesn't get much cuter. Except if you could hear the squeals and giggles and adorable little baby girl sounds she makes - then it gets insanely cute. (P.S. Girls do make way cuter sounds than boys. Sorry, sons. It is true.)

 Then her eyes start to crinkle up around the corners, just like her daddy's do when he smiles. 

And when the belly laughs start to fade, the smile lingers behind in her eyes.