Saturday, January 15, 2011

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 3

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Man...only one thing? I have a laundry list about a mile long and we could be here a long, long, long time. This could easily turn into a Step 8 confessional and good golly, I will spare you the gory details and try to keep it short. Well, as short as a verbose SAHM/pointy headed academic longing for adult conversation can keep things.

The main thing I have to forgive myself for?

Not trusting my mothering instinct all those years ago. For believing the words and advice of a man that while well meaning, was misguided and driven by motives that I do not even want to comprehend. It was the worst advice I have ever been given. PERIOD.

On two separate occasions about two separate things, he gave me The World's Crappiest Advice that will continue to to impact my life and the lives of all my children into the eternities. Instead of trusting my newly forged mother's heart that was screaming, "No, no, no, no, NO, NO!!!", I believed a man when he told me he knew better than i did. That she would be better off, that I would be better off. Turns out he was dead wrong. All things considered, I do not think either of us is "better off" (whatever that means)...we are just different and lead different lives. Not better off just different.

The other thing he gave me bad advice about was that Mr. Amazing Man was "too old" for me. I totally dumped the most incredible man I had ever known - the man who when the very first time I laid eyes on him, I knew I would someday marry and have his green-eyed baby girl - I totally dumped this beautiful man who made my heart sing because this other person "knew better." It broke my heart to break up with Mr. Amazing Man all those years ago but I was trying desperately to do the right thing and follow the advice of my Bishop.

Turns out he was wrong about that as well. Not only is Mr. Amazing Man not "too old" for me, he is my ideal companion, perfectly suited to deal with this slightly crazy, high-spirited, opinionated, independent, intelligent woman who cries far too easily, and trusts far too readily.

But back to the matter at hand.

I have not yet found that elusive grace to completely forgive myself for trusting in the "arm of the flesh" instead of trusting the word of God in my heart. While I am able to maintain some sort of acceptance & peaceful rest from this burden, the lightness of the soul that comes from true forgiveness of one's mistakes...I do not know if it is possible in this lifetime. I am trying though. I really am.


ms. marginalia said...

I am sorry. I have done things on the advice of others, thinking that they saw me or knew me better than I knew myself--and it has ended disastrously nearly every time.

You are amazing and strong, yourself.

sostinkinhappy said...

*blush* Thanks.

the Lola Letters said...

Please try even harder.
You are so good.
SO good.